The Mormons have Joe Smith, Silurian Border Morrismen have Dave Smith, aka Smudge;

Below, we share some of his teachings on all aspects of life words of wisdom we all strive to follow. Collected at various morris events over the years, they are known collectively as......

The Book of Smudgerisms.

Thanks be to God.

On Alcohol

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Smudgerism No. 756

"It's all right to get pissed in the morning, as long as you pace yourself in the afternoon."

Reassuring the side on drinking technique...

Smudgerism No. 32

"It's alright, this Leffe's only like my homebrew."

Reassuring us just before he fell asleep again...

Smudgerism No. 8287

"I'm pacing myself."

Said just before falling asleep in a drunken coma...

Smudgerism No. 621

"It's alright, it was only the food."

After throwing up unexpectedly...

Smudgerism No. 35428

"Walking on these cobbles makes me look pissed."

Late in the afternoon, following a good skinful of Guinness...

Smudgerism No. 47663

"I remember this door - it's where I threw up last time I was 'ere."

On an evening tour with Silkeborg, outside the entrance to the Plume of Feathers...

Smudgerism No. 31572

"Never mind what free beer - this free beer!"

After demanding that the bagman should provide some free beer for the side, the bagman asked rhetorically "What free beer?", to which Smudge responded...

On Women

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Smudgerism No. 48765b

"I didn't realise it was a nipple job - I'd have had a hard on by now!"

After seeing a girl wearing no bra under her T-shirt...

Smudgerism No. 72380

"There's millions of women out there, and they're all gagging for it!"

The central message of the Book of Smudgerisms...

Smudgerism No. 123863

"All I wanted to do was to talk to her."

On returning from a one-to-one blacking up session with scratch marks on his cheeks..

Smudgerism No. 252

"It's all right in its place, I suppose."

On female masturbation...

Smudgerism No. 68742

"It was a stop-it-I-like-it job!"

Another oft-quoted phrase, usually with reference to some young lady looking seriously cross...

On Food

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Smudgerism No. 75

"Those sausage things - they had a funny constituency."

On foreign food...

Smudgerism No. 897366

"I don't mind a bit of coconut if it's desecrated."

On coconut...

On Fashion

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Smudgerism No. 12909

"It's the way he cavorts himself in them that makes them that shape."

On Super Steve's trousers...

On Life

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Smudgerism No. 375692

"We're just going down the fallopian tubes of British banana republicism."

During a tirade about the falling standards of British sitcoms...

Smudgerism No. 7536

"If I'm late for work - I've had a shit."

Explaining that his trips to the toilet can take an awfully long time...

Smudgerism No. 32334

"Just some tinker - couldn't read or write. He was illegitimate."

On some yokel seen at Killorglin in Ireland...

Smudgerism No. 32348

"We only had to pay about a quid for two 50p burgers."

Explaining that life in Killorglin is cheap...

On Grammar

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Smudgerism No. 16453

"I just can't say 'millylennium'."

On words that are difficult to say...

Smudgerism No. 36854

"That's irrelative!"

On Dance

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Smudgerism No. 9368

"My back legs are all stiff!"

Following a heavy day's dancing...

Smudgerism No. 93862

"Just like the Red Admirals!"

During a self-congratulatory eulogy about the standard of our lines whilst doing Brimfield at Stroud...


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Smudgerism No. 87862

"It's a bit vibratory up here."

Referring to the top deck of the cross-channel ferry...

Smudgerism No. 9385

"There's an 'orrible aurora down there!"

Commenting on the smell coming from the lower deck of a tour coach...

Smudgerism No. 13576

"Is it an indoor pool or an outdoor pool?"

On being told in no uncertain terms that Silurian was not on any account to use the swimming pool in the school at which we were to stay that weekend, asked...

Smudgerism No. 7683

"I was getting vertical something rotten up there!"

Commenting on having to go to the top floor of the hostel in Amsterdam...

Smudgerism No. 2982

"Where's the cellar?"

On being told by the landlord of the pub at which we used to practise that our sticks had been put in the cellar while the room was being redecorated, asked...

Smudgerism No. 3

"There's yer Barn Owl, and yer Tawny Owl and yer Great Northwest-eared Owl."

On ornithology...